Shannah Koss, EVP of Community Development
I was talking with a friend whose husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She is the friend and neighbor who helps everyone else in more ways than most of us can imagine. Her husband is starting to lose his independence, including driving and she mentioned she was embarrassed to ask for help. I of course jumped in with every rationale I could think of for why she should feel comfortable, but the challenge of asking for help as a caregiver and as a mature adult just kept nagging at me. Why is it so hard?
It turns out there are lots of psychological theories and reasons and they aren’t just about caregivers but about adults in today’s less connected and more competitive or perhaps image driven society.
We all worry about:
- Fear and rejection
- Embarrassment
- Struggling with being vulnerable, i.e., not wanting to appear weak or needy
- Wanting to maintain control, or at least give the impression of being in control
Yet two articles from Forbes underscore why asking for help is a strength. The first article emphasizes that asking for help actually offers the rest of us an opportunity to share our talents and gifts and feel good about making a difference for someone else. It also will help the rest of know that asking for help is okay when we need help.
“We can all do so much more together than we ever can alone. Too often though we ‘tough it out’ rather than reaching out to ask for help when we need it most.”
In an interview with author Janine Gardner of From Me to We, she highlights that asking for help takes courage and comfort in our own skin. Her advice on how to get there, i.e., getting comfortable with the vulnerability, is like breaking any habit just do it and the more you do it the easier it will be come. The interview goes on to discuss how this is about having a community where you feel safe and can trust that you can share struggles and be supported.
The more recent Forbes article underscores that asking for help can improve results and make you and the people around you stronger. It also highlights that knowing you need help is self-preservation, without help the pressure or burden could be overwhelming.
Both of these articles are primarily about asking for help at work. Ironically or perhaps sadly the rationale for why asking for help is critical is even more true for caregivers at home. Stress on caregivers is a known problem. As the caregiver you generally have less time to socialize and interact with your friends and family. They don’t know you’re needing help and this can create a dangerous downward spiral. The saying “it takes a village to raise a child” is equally true for supporting individuals as they lose their independence and can no longer manage on their own. The more people who know about your needs as a caregiver and who can be in a position to help when needed, the easier it will be for you and the person you are helping.
This all sounds relatively simple, but as someone who too often thinks she should be able to do it all, it is not simple or easy. I strongly believe letting more people know your situation and having an easy way to reach out to them when the need becomes more than you can handle, is a great way to feel more comfortable asking for help. Imagine you have 10 or 15 people who have said they would be happy to help; then when you need someone to drive, pick up a prescription or just keep you or your loved one company for a few hours you can ask “Is anyone available to – fill in the blank”. This approach helps you not feel like you are being a burden to anyone person and gives everyone else the opportunity to feel helpful in a concrete way.
All caregivers should strive to get more comfortable asking for help. You should do this in whatever way you are comfortable, because it is important for you and the person you are helping.
The Livpact’s Caregiver platform offers a way for you to set up your network and easily ask for help and find local resources. Checkout us out to see if it might help you. https://www.livpact.com.